Two of my greatest loves in life are football and pro wrestling. It is rare to get the opportunity to combine the two, but this series will do that as I will find the WWE doppelganger for every NFL franchise. It takes a very nuanced approach to find the right matches for each team as a WWE Superstar may best fit the whole team, the quarterback, the coach, or even the owner. All comments are welcome (especially the positive ones). I have already taken looks at the NFC East and AFC West, so today I am going to look at a division that is near and dear to this Iowa boy’s heart, the NFC North.
Chicago Bears – Damien Sandow
This may seem like a slap in the face to the team I have cheered for since my life started as a little baby boy, but Damien Sandow best represents what the Bears are. This is a team that has defined itself throughout its entire history on its tough-nosed defense that is willing to grit and grind their way through every game in their pursuit of a championship. Chicago is a place that prides itself on being tough and having the best defense in the world. Then last year happened, and all of a sudden the Bears became an offensive juggernaut while performing like papier mache against running backs. Damien Sandow went through the same transition as he started as an intellectual savior for the masses to wearing cheap costumes of other people and basically being seen as a goofball. Intellectual to goofball is not the most positive of transitions, but the offensive-minded Marc Trestman may have a more positive outcome for a Bears team that no longer relies on defense to win games.
Detroit Lions – Kofi Kingston
The Lions are exciting and fun to watch, but they are never in potential to actually win anything important, which seems kind of crazy, because on paper, the talent is there. Just having Megatron gives them a potent passing attack, and they now have Reggie Bush and Joique Bell paired up in the backfield to give them a competent ground attack. On defense, they have Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley in the middle of the defensive line which should cause havoc for opposing offenses. Still, it just never comes together for them. Kofi Kingston flies around the ring and puts on a great show every year at the Royal Rumble, but there are enough missing pieces where he can never quite reach the upper echelon of talent. Maybe adding something new, a coach for the Lions and a faction with Big E and Xavier Woods, can change their fortunes.
Green Bay Packers – Chris Jericho
This one pains me, because Chris Jericho is one of my favorite wrestlers ever, and I am a Bears fan, which means that the Packers are my most hated rival. Still, the Packers continue to be great well after people thought possible, as they are able to reinvent themselves on the fly without ever having a long rebuilding period. Jericho does the same in that he keeps getting older, and although he is not doing as many acrobatic moves anymore, he still knows how to be successful. The only thing holding back Jericho is touring with his band, which happens every year, and the only thing holding back the Packers are injuries, which also happen every year. Still, if you’re looking for somebody to be the best on any given day, it’s tough to bet against either one.
Minnesota Vikings – The Big Show
They have been trying to win the same way for the last seven years. The Vikings, by giving the ball to Adrian Peterson and hoping for the best, and The Big Show, who after a dozen years in the wrestling business, learned “Punch” and has been trying to win a championship with that secret weapon. Unfortunately, one dimensional attacks can only take you so far. The Big Show may be a little old to reinvent himself, but with the Vikings adding Teddy Bridgewater, they may be able to add a potent aerial attack to go with the ground and pound of Adrian Peterson.