AFC East Teams as WWE Superstars
By J. Loncarich
Two of my greatest loves in life are football and pro wrestling. It is rare to get the opportunity to combine the two, but this series will do that as I will find the WWE Superstars that most resemble every NFL franchise. It takes a very nuanced approach to find the right matches for each team as these WWE Superstars may best fit the whole team, the quarterback, the coach, or even the owner. All comments are welcome (especially the positive ones). So far, I have looked at these divisions:
Today, I take a look at a division that gets more press than any other, the AFC East.
Buffalo Bills – Jack Swagger
Both the Bills and Jack Swagger proudly wear the red, white, and blue, but neither is the ideal representation of the USA. Jack Swagger has extreme right-wing political beliefs, and the Bills don’t even play all of their home games in the nation they love. Still, there is something lovable about both of them. The Bills are a plucky underdog that seem to get a few crucial upsets every year that make people want to believe in them, but they can never quite carry on the momentum throughout an entire season. Meanwhile, Jack Swagger has Zeb Coulter and his “We The People” catchphrase which is one of the most fun things to say in wrestling. But although Swagger can compete with the best, nobody ever truly believes that he is going to end up on top. Still, there is hope, as Swagger has left behind the political beliefs in order to fight for all Americans, and the Bills have gone all-in on this season as they made a big trade to get Sammy Watkins as they hope it will help EJ Manuel tap into his potential and lead this team to the playoffs.
Miami Dolphins – Curtis Axel
This is the obvious choice, as they both have the pedigree of perfection. The Dolphins obviously are still reminiscing about 1972, and everybody wonders why Curtis Axel can’t be like his father, Mr. Perfect, Curt Hennig. Even though neither one is perfect, they do still have their positive attributes. The Dolphins are actually not a bad team, and if their new offensive philosophy under Bill Lazor can take full advantage of Ryan Tannehill’s athleticism, their offense could be potent enough to take advantage of what is already a very solid defense. Curtis Axel is much the same way in that he is a good in-ring technician, and under the right circumstances, tagging up with Ryback could lead to gold around his waist. Although at first glance, the future may not look bright, things are far from bleak, as both Axel and the Dolphins have potential to make some noise in the next year.
New England Patriots – John Cena
The Patriots represent everything that is good and bad in John Cena. They are incredibly successful. They have plenty of people who hate them, but they just ignore all of it and keep doing the same things they always have done. Somehow their fans always think they are overcoming the odds, and they cannot understand why so many people hate them. They even use nefarious means in order to win where the Patriots spy on teams and John Cena duct tapes people’s legs so he can win Last Man Standing matches. New England has the Patriot Way which is about as meaningful as Hustle, Loyalty, Respect.
New York Jets – Paul Heyman
There is nobody better than talking the talk than Rex Ryan. When paired with dominant defenders, there is no more lethal combination out there, and Heyman’s alliance with Brock Lesnar provides similarly terrifying results. But the beauty of both Rex and Paul is that even if they do not have the dominant force, their bravado never changes. Paul Heyman will act like Curtis Axel is the next big thing in professional wrestling, and Rex Ryan is able to claim that Mark Sanchez and now Geno Smith are good enough to lead the team to the Super Bowl. It doesn’t matter whether they win or lose, they will certainly be memorable, and that certainly adds to the overall enjoyment of their sports (entertainment).