AFC South Teams as WWE Superstars


Two of my greatest loves in life are football and pro wrestling. It is rare to get the opportunity to combine the two, but this series will do that as I will find the WWE Superstars that most resemble every NFL franchise. It takes a very nuanced approach to find the right matches for each team as these WWE Superstars may best fit the whole team, the quarterback, the coach, or even the owner. All comments are welcome (especially the positive ones). So far, I have looked at these divisions:

NFC East

NFC North

NFC South

NFC West

AFC East

AFC North

AFC West

Today, I wrap up the entire series by looking at the WWE doppelgangers of the AFC South.

Houston Texans – Paige

I feel like the Texans could be the official team of hardcore football fans this season, much like Paige is universally loved by hardcore wrestling fans. The Texans aren’t going to be flashy, in the sense that it will likely be a huge victory for them if their offense is merely league average. Paige is the same in that she is, objectively, a very attractive lady, but compared to the ladies modeling as wrestlers, she appears more average at first glance. Still, both the Texans and Paige are going to have awesome moments. Paige, with wrestling that rivals most of the guys on the WWE roster of superstars, and the Texans with the combination of Watt and Clowney who are both physical freaks that will give nightmares to any offensive line. I could care less about the Texans offense, but I’m not sure if there is a unit on any team that I would rather watch than the Texans defense. People may not be excited about them yet, but be patient, because people will most definitely get excited.

Indianapolis Colts – Roman Reigns

The Colts are not Roman Reigns. Andrew Luck is Roman Reigns. He is the chosen one. The next big thing. He is the young quarterback who will inevitably lead his team to a title. Roman Reigns is the young superstar who is destined to win the WWE World Heavyweight Title. Roman Reigns was unstoppable when he was surrounded by quality teammates. Andrew Luck does not know what that is like, because outside of Luck, the Colts are pretty awful. Andrew Luck must carry the Colts on his own. Roman Reigns is Andrew Luck. Andrew Luck is the Indianapolis Colts. Ipso facto, Roman Reigns is the Indianapolis Colts.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Heath Slater

They are fun to cheer for, but they are never actually going to win anything important. Also, everybody talks about the Jaguars relocating, and people talk about Heath Slater being fired, but I have news for the world: Both the One Man Band and the Jaguars are here to stay. And good things happen to those who wait. Blake Bortles looks like he could be the stud that the Jaguars envisioned, and Heath Slater had a winning streak recently that helped him land a new tag team partner. Good things will happen for both as they just keep entertaining the masses.

Tennessee Titans – Bad News Barrett

So Titans fans, is this the year that you return to glory? Maybe this is the year you win the division. Heck, you might even capture the nation’s imagination and become a shining light in a sometimes dark world. You may even have yourselves thinking that this is the year to hoist a Lombardi Trophy at the end of the year. Well, I’M AFRAID I’VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS. The Titans are not Bad News Barrett, they just need him to deliver them some truth. They aren’t going to win the Super Bowl; they aren’t going to capture the nation’s imagination, heck, they aren’t even going to make the playoffs. This team isn’t bad, but they’re not good, and they are probably my pick for the least interesting team. I really like Kendall Wright, and Shonn Greene may not be a good pro, but he was awesome at Iowa…and, um, their sets with six offensive linemen should be pretty potent? Sorry, Titans fans, but I have a feeling this year is going to be full of Bad News.