New York Giants should trade for J.J. Watt

This is strictly satirical. You’ve been warned.

After giving up 52 points to the New Orleans Saints, the New York Giants need to start making some changes.

The defense, despite starting the season strong, has been collapsing recently, and the lack of a consistent pass rush is certainly one of the biggest reasons why.

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With the trade deadline fast approaching, the Giants need to make a move for an additional pass rusher. One possibility is “The Milk Man” J.J. Watt of the Houston Texans.

Obviously, it would be a blockbuster trade, and there are certainly some questions that need to be answered. The first question is what the price to acquire Watt would be. The second question is whether the Giants’ defense could use Watt or not.

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Let’s start with question number one and try to envision a situation in which Watt is playing in New York for the G-Men.

The cost to get Watt would be hefty, but it wouldn’t be impossible. The Giants would likely have to give up a lot of draft picks, as well as some players. The Texans are probably seeking playmakers, so it’s unfortunate the Giants cut ties with wide receiver Preston Parker. Parker is the NFC’s version of A.J. Green, and he would make a trade even easier to accomplish.

Draft picks would likely be the only way this deal gets done. And while picks are always at a premium, general manager Jerry Reese might decide giving away his draft picks out-right could prevent the team from drafting players like Clint Sintim and Jay Alford (Google them).

New York could also offer Houston the New York Knicks, Bubba Gumps and the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree.

Now let’s look at the second question and examine if Watt would fit in on New York’s defense.

Sure, on paper the unit is bad, and they rank dead last in the NFL for sacks per game. However, these guys are nearly un-blockable, and they’re simply not playing their hardest in order to make the games somewhat competitive.

Cullen Jenkins, George Selive and Kerry Wynn should all be playing in the Pro Bowl this year, and it’s a trio that rivals Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora and Justin Tuck as the best in Giants’ history. They have relentless pursuit of the quarterback, and they specialize in almost-sacks.

Perhaps the best thing about Watt is his versatility. Defensive coordinator Steve Spagnoulo would have a field day with Watt, lining him up at end, linebacker, safety, cornerback, assistant video coordinator, upside down, ball boy, double agent, equipment guy and maybe even defensive tackle in sub-packages.

Watt would turn the unit into the best group of pass rushers the Giants have ever had. Let’s look at some film on Watt.

Against Buffalo, Watt does a great job reaching up and snagging the ball from E.J. “Peach Cobbler” Manuel, but Watt has failed to make that play consistently. The great players always make plays consistently. Just look at NBA legend Brian Scalabrine’s points per minutes played. Manuel also started the Texans defense in fantasy football that week, and he needed the extra six points to seal a win.

Here’s another play by Watt.

On this play, Watt beats the Colts’ right tackle like a drum and gets the sack on “Strawberry Shortcake” Andrew Luck. The reason Watt was able to get to Luck so quickly was because Indianapolis’ right tackle was star struck after he realized that was the same J.J. Watt from the Verizon commercials and that HBO show about football. Unfortunately, not every offensive lineman is easily distracted by big-time stars. That’s clear when examining Watt’s stats, as he has had three games this year in which he hasn’t recorded a sack.

Another caveat that would come from a potential Watt-to-New York trade is his diet. According to an ESPN report by Tania Ganguli back in August, Watt consumes about 9,000 calories per day. That’s a whole lot of Cookie Crisp. It makes sense, as the enormous Watt needs the energy. However, with Watt requiring all of that food, team trainers would have to shift the food distribution, and players like Trumaine McBride — 5’9″ — wouldn’t be able to eat.

Watt is also an exceptional passer, as he’s displayed his arm strength on more than one occasions. If Watt were to join the Giants, Eli Manning might get spooked by Watt’s throwing ability, and it could very well create a divide on the Giants. A situation like that could eventually escalate, as Manning might try to persuade Tom Coughlin to let him start a game at defensive end.

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It’s also possible Manning has yet to fully forgive Watt for sacking him in 2014. Watt would probably have to get on Manning’s good side by offering to drive him to and from practice, as well as going with him to see scary movies and buying him the large popcorn.

Watt has star qualities, and he would serve as another mega-star on a team that already boasts the presence of “The King of the Incomplete Pass” Odell Beckham Jr. With Watt in town, the New York media would have a hard time deciding how to properly cover the team. That could result in the media completely forgetting the Jets are a team, especially since Todd Bowles would be too soft-spoken to say anything about it.

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Although it’s a nice thought, Watt probably isn’t coming to New York for any reason other than to get a real, authentic New York slice of pizza at Sbarro’s. Also, Cullen Jenkins wears No. 99 too, so that alone could lead the Giants to stay away from Watt.

SERIOUS SIDE NOTE: If I could be serious for a minute; I do think the Giants need to make a trade to improve their pass rush.